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He’s just not that into you.

April 28, 2009

Ah.. Finally got to read a book after so many days and I really miss reading books. Read it in one go. A lot of food for thought.

The guy’s not that into you, why wait for him. You deserve better.” If I were to put the book in one line this would be it.

I felt bad for a lot of stories. Some might have been fabricated but if not then do women really lower their preferences that much?

If the guy is not in regular contact, doesn’t really show affection, doesn’t care about your family or friends, your likes and dislikes, abuses you, misuses you, is married to someone else, disappeared from your life, and more and still you want him? Still you use the excuse that having a man like that is better than having no one. Are you so low; that you are willing to take a creep in your life than enjoy it on your own?

Some women attract losers. Because they are willing to compromise on their preferences and choices just to satisfy their maternal instincts. They feel like the nurse who is helping the loser win over his life. But some guys are parasites. Who have no back-bone. They are just finding a way out to justify their lack of success in life.

This is what Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo have said in the book.

But this is no book review. It is aftermaths of reading such a book. So enjoy it in that way.

Men beware of the fore-coming words and the kind of comments it might generate, or put in your views so that I can have a man’s perspective. Women feel free to pour your hearts out.

So here it goes.

I am an Indian (nothing new about it) so why am I mentioning it here? That is because I want to see this book as an Indian, from an Indian perspective.

In the Western Dating Culture is the perfect Self Help book. But I wanted to view it in the Indian context.

Also want to know how this fits into the Traditional Indian Marriage.

OK this book was never written for the Indian Women but a woman is a woman everywhere and all deserve better than what they are getting if they are not happy.

The book gives you many a reasons why not to stick to one guy who might not be into you and explore for the one who is. Now that, Indian women too are on the path of dating like the westerners this book might be of more help.

I may be a bit at loss as I am not quite aware of how the dating culture is like in India now. And also I in trying to be a good girl of my parents never indulged in it and got married early. So have not much clue about dating in India. (Daters help me out here)

I know I am naïve. Do Indian women actually pick and drop guys that quick? The western culture gives them the freedom to do all that openly and I still think that most of the Indian romance is like an undercover operation. But I can’t be so sure as I have heard about that highly popular blog (which I have visited once and got bored) that was about some of those confessions that later became a book too. So that gives me the idea that Indian women are in no way lagging in that.

O.K… Trying not to stray away from the topic. That lady is a metro dweller. But majority of the Indian girls are not that confident of themselves. They are mostly small town girls who want to meet their ‘Raj’ or ‘Prem’ anywhere from college to the trains or buses they travel in. And when they meet someone who even distantly reminds them of these they just fall head over heels. Then the though to leaving them to look for a better one just vanishes and they are happy to keep what they get. (Correct me if I am wrong)

Ok get a bit further. There are husbands in our country who  many a time act like the guys suggested in the book. Husbands might no call when he said he would (taking the wife for granted) He might not be very helpful in household duties (most Indian husbands are like that), he might not be very friendly to the girl’s family and friends (not very uncommon), he might not compliment or encourage her and make her feel important infact might actually belittle her in front of others (not very uncommon again) and so on… So what does the wife do? Just end the marriage for this?

Now.. we are not beasts to do that. Are we? We love the guy, will we not give him a chance. But that is what Greg says. Guys won’t change unless his life goes topsy turvy by your presence. And if he hasn’t changed yet chances are he won’t in future. So stop looking his way for a change and change your attitude towards him.

On a different note how would this book explain the Darr ka Shahrukh who is so into the woman that he freaks her out! There are a few guys like that who absolutely stalk the girl until she gets a nervous breakdown. If she has the courage to tell him to back off all she gets is a taste of the famous acid attacks.

So what does a young girl do to get to the right guy?

 What would the book look like if written by an Indian for Indians…?

19 Comments leave one →
  1. April 28, 2009 10:14 am

    I’m intrigued about the book now. You are spot on in everything you’ve said.

    Silly movies which show that a girl has to be brought down a peg, or two, by the macho hero don’t help. 😀

    On a serious note, my disjoint thoughts: our girls must be taught to value themselves. And communicate.

    By most Indians’ upbringing the stereotypes of a man and woman are so deeply set. Girls, being educated, well-informed, opinionated and financially independent these days, are seen as arrogant.

    Clashes occur when a man is progressive and the woman is not, or vice-versa. So, the partners really would have to communicate to set the “rules” for what is and what is not acceptable much before they get married.

    And also blanket promises like “I’ll do anything for you” only lead to sorrow.

    if you’re ok with reading it on pc. i can send you the link.

    ‘i’ll do anything for you’ is such a filmi dialogue. 🙂

    right.. these days clashes occur as girls are more free in expressng their discomfort with the stereotype. even if “rules” are set before marriage it may be bent or broken if one loses interest.

    western culture speaks easily of falling out of love even during a marriage. but we can’t even imagine leaving the husband just coz we fell out of love especially where in some cases it was never there, since the begining.
    how many Indian couples go head over heels for each other? the initial attraction in Indian (arranged) marriage is because it is an opportunity to get close to the opposite sex without being ‘illegal’.

  2. April 28, 2009 4:46 pm

    A movie released recently has the same title. Has it got something to do with this book? Haven’t watched that movie or read this book but was a lil curious

    yes i think the movie was based on the book. now i want to watch the movie to know how they put it all into one story.

  3. Apar permalink
    April 28, 2009 5:14 pm

    I have not read this book. It is still on my to read list 🙂 but have discussed about this book. Especially after the promotional shows I saw for the book when it was released in the US.
    I don’t know about the dating scene. Though I do know through personal experience that one must note the signs of disinterest…though doubt if they help in resolving problems and saving marriages. I must say been there, knew that he was not just into me and could do nothing to salvage.

    that is exactly what the book talks about knowing the signs and leaving for a better one before it is too late.

    this is more for daters than couples. as here they say that the guy will never propose if he’s not into you he’ll use every excuse but tell the girl the truth that he’s not into her.

    i wanted to know how it works in the Indian Marriage scene. if a husband or wife lose interest then how logical is it to end the marriage? as you said you wanted to salvage but he did not. and it ended.

    if it was not your fault that the marriage ended will you go looking for a better partner as they have suggested here..? you know you deserve more.

  4. April 28, 2009 5:28 pm

    i always appreciate people who try to bring out the hard facts in front of the society which we generally neglect..very nice..if i would have written this book being an Indian,i would have also mentioned the same thing regarding “obeying each other in a relation” but if a woman has a child and she has clashes with her hubby , and plans to separate thinking that she also has a life, in that respect, she should first think about the effect on the mindset of her little child..may be, because i am also someone’s child and i would never want my parents to separate irrespective of the intensity of clashes…

    very right that one must consider a child’s life too befor ending a marriage as it is you who bought the kid into this world and its your responsibility to give the kid the best life possible.

    but there is one more angle to it, will the child grow up happy if he/she sees clashes between the parents everyday…? i know no child a wants the parents to seperate but no child wants to see them unhappy too. and if they are unhappy living with each other and their lives they might not be able to give the child a good life too.

    and as the child grows up he/she might understand the parents position and empathise with them.

    Welcome here.. 🙂

  5. April 28, 2009 7:58 pm

    I feel relationships are more transparent these days. Nowadays if a girl doesnt like what a guy is doing, she tells him directly. and thats more because these days, girls are more on their own. They are no longer dependent on the male community. I dont know if that culture for picking up and dropping guys is here yet, but yes, things are changing. Girls could get better guys if needed 😉

    happy to hear that from a guy. 🙂

    so you support the book, that girls could get better guys.
    actually the book also says that the girl must not make the first move. as if some guy is really into her he’ll do anything to get her, he likes to chase. the more difficult the catch the better he feels.

    also that guys are never too busy to not call when they say, but they choose not to. and that guys don’t feel the fear of intimacy and commitment if it is with the girl he’s into.

    you support that too..?

  6. April 28, 2009 9:07 pm

    Relationships are hardwork. This book is more about learning to let-go than working at relationships; the book mainly talks about those cases wherein there is no relationship to work at, to even begin with. Many people tend to cling on in anticipation that the other person might reciprocate their feelings. This difficulty in not knowing how to let-go stems from the fact that unrequited love is very painful and it hurts one’s ego and self-worth. The battle of making it work becomes more for the sake of expecting validation from the other person, who is just not into them. This cycle is sadly common to Indian girls as well… and the advice will be the same…to respect oneself and learn to let-go.

    relationships which were never there is the problem. the guy is ready to entertain the girl but not get into commitment as he’s not into her but is afraid to tell her that.

    and all girls no matter how litrate or self confident still long for a nice relationship. and they seem to cling to the one in hand and work on it than go start from the scratch.

    but here it says that if the guys is into you you’ll never have to put that much hardwork into it. he’ll do the working part.

    the hard work from the girl’s side is the result of trying to keep the one who’s not into her and trying to make him love her.

  7. April 29, 2009 4:55 am

    yeah , some women have this thing for losers.. i have noticed in a lot of instances that even when they know that the guy is trouble, they go clawing back to him.. is it ingrained in the indian woman’s psyche ? society does keep telling us that we need to adjust despite all odds.. a la “kal aanalum kanavan bullshit..” .. things do appear to be changing these days.. men in india r growing up.. i dont think there r too many instances of guys being cold to the girls family or not helping out with house work.. the metro sexual man has learnt to adjust as well , however difficult it maybe to believe..

    ‘kal aanalum kanavan’ is still reasonable when you consider girls doing it for non-exixtant-self-imagined-friend-turned-boy-friend.

    and here the books says exactly that the girls make up excused for him like – “oh he’s so busy i am supporting him”. “he’s really in trouble his boss is terrible”. or “his family is going through a major monetary trouble and he’s supporting them”.

    ok he’s doing a great job as an employee or a son but that doesn’t mean that he ignores your calls or mails for this. if he loves you he’ll know how to prioritise your position in his life.

  8. April 29, 2009 6:55 pm

    I saw the trailer of the movie today and found it quite interesting. Looked very Love Actually-ish. 🙂
    I think the dating scenario is pretty bad in India. It exists in the upper middle class and the rich to some extend. Generally girls end up with guys in their circles and vice versa. 🙂

    Hmm.. will try to watch the movie too. i am very curious about it now.

    i think in India it is more of getting to meet each other privately than proper open dating.
    but i am not sure of ending up in their circles, as i have seen more long distance relationships around these days than the same circle ones. thanks to the social networks on net and chatting facilities, guys and gals have more opportunities. 🙂

  9. April 30, 2009 3:37 am

    Nice post oorja. I think that people do tolerate abusive relationships and I think a lot has to do with their childhood. If one is brought up in an atmosphere where one is abused by either parent it not just lowers self esteem, but also gives one the feeling that this is what relationships are all about. One has to be very conscious of all this to break out of the cycle.
    And you are right about dating being underground in India, but in India it is my feeling that the girls do not break up much as they want to marry.

    yes upbringing plays an imporant role. if a guys grows up seeing his father or grandfather using abusive language for his mother or grandmother he learns that is is how women must be treated. and he follows the ancestors footsteps.
    but girls now are more litrate and aware so do not want to tolerate all of that. but are still stuck living like that for the sake of society.

    and about young girls, true they seem to want to marry more than end the realtionship.

  10. April 30, 2009 8:56 am

    nice post Oorja..have not read the book have only read about it…am curious about the movie as well…India and dating?poles apart…what with all kinds of senas fuming at the mention of guys and girls being mentioned in the same breath I think it will be a longtime before it happens…

    you’re right what if my post is seen by any of them, or our ‘Munna bhai’ he might object it is not in the Indian culture to even think of not coping with the husband.. 🙂

  11. April 30, 2009 11:57 am

    A marriage is not an agreement or contract, so there can not be mutually agreeable terms and conditions attached to it. It is an emotional relation, rather much more than that, which lies on love.

    So when the love is missing from a relationship, when the relationship doesn’t work out without hurting one of the two continously for a long time, to keep on waiting for a lifetime in the hope that one fine morning all will change for good, will end up spoiling the lives of both!

    hmm.. right.. but in India once married is always (tagged) married. and it is not just the marriage of 2 people its 2 families, who put in so much effort and hope that it is difficult to break away from that. and it hurts more when we end up hurting the whole family. or so are we brought up.

    and in India divorcee is still seen as the girl’s fault in not being able to maintain or atleast manage the realtionship and a second marriage to a woman incapable to mix in a family is considered not very ideal. so many a women prefer to stay the way they are than otherwise.

  12. April 30, 2009 12:54 pm

    oorja..whats the name of movie..which is based on this book…

    Actually some girls are too emotional that once they are attached to guy..its very tough for them to leave him coz of obvious reason like guy misbehaving or started liking others…feel pity for those girls…

    it is the same as the book.

    maybe those girls are not that confident of themselves that they can get a better guy if they wished.
    and one more major fault is girls never seem to understand the difference between friendship, liking and love. hence more confusions.

  13. April 30, 2009 2:11 pm

    ‘Guys won’t change unless his life goes topsy turvy by your presence. And if he hasn’t changed yet chances are he won’t in future. So stop looking his way for a change and change your attitude towards him’

    This is what most Indian or rather Asian women feel.This is what sustains mismatched alliances in our country.I belong to the old school and I feel that there us nothing wrong in trying to make a marriage work within acceptable limits.again what is acceptable to me may not be acceptable to you.

    I think I’d rather put up with a few idiosyncracies of my husband than leave him to try out an unknown new comer.Afterall a known devil is easier to tackle….wink** wink**

    and that is why most of the Indian marriages work. ‘within acceptable limits’ is the key. i might sound liberal but inside i too am old school only or so i have learned about myself.

    retaining a marriage is necessary. the couple socially accepts to be together ’till death do us part’ and stay in each other’s company ‘in good and ill health’. Hindus go a step further and sign a pact for ‘7 janmams’. so it is no relationship to break (easily).

    and you’re right a known devil may be actually better than the unknown, as we have seen in case of multiple marriages in the west people always complain that they don’t have the same problem but a new set of problems with the new beau.

    problems will always be there… we need to handle them in our own way.

  14. April 30, 2009 5:42 pm

    hey change the theme! i am bored with it and i will post my comment later . just dropped in to put my request to change the theme. ciao! 😛

    oh you are..! ok i’ll look for something that suits me. but then you’ll have to be more regular. 😉

  15. May 2, 2009 8:20 am

    i am waiting till my wish is fulfilled 😆
    commenting will surely resume with it after i do my photoposts………..designing badges for you ppl after all its my blog’s birthday on 8th march 😛

    8th March or May..?

    Okay.. i am on my way to shop for new theme.. 🙂

  16. May 3, 2009 10:07 am

    oh yes 8th may. these days i am getting very bad with dates and days …..i guess when you have nothing to do , you dont even bother to keep a track of time 😛
    this theme is nice, but why dont you go for the custom header theme ……just check them out also………may be you will find something nice! in btw, what is the name of your current theme…….i have not noticed this one

    get yourself to do somehting. what are you doing or should i mean not doing these days as you don’t even blog..?

    i have a few in mind. i’ll check them out later..

    this one is Toni. simplest i could find that supported all my widgets.

  17. May 3, 2009 2:01 pm

    yes, i know i dont blog these days.well the entrance exams kept me busy this week and now i am just waiting for exam results to apply to DU. right now blogging has taken a back seat. one i dont have any idea of what should i blog about and i dont feel like blogging right know, i have gone through the same phase of anti-blogging just few months back where i even thought of deleting the blog. i guess i am again suffering from it. so right now i am taking it coolly and i am not getting engaged into it. yes, i am thinking of learning driving may be i will start this week and in am thinking of joining dance classes. i guess i am pathetically wasting my time.
    yes, this is a nice and soothing theme 🙂
    and thanks for listening to my saga, i guess i was bottled up for past few days 🙂

    so you’re not totally not doing anything.. enterance exams do make you lose interest in evrything around you.. 🙂

    driving is a must so good you are thinking about that and dance classes will keep your body and mind active and energetic so great.

    take your own time.. do whatever you feel like.. be fresh when you begin your college life. 🙂

  18. May 10, 2009 5:20 pm

    Many women are not even aware of the term emotional abuse. And it works the same way like other abuses. Sometimes women dont get out of such relations due to dependency, and many other psychological reasons.

    dependency – monetary and/or psychological both are the main reasons in Indian society. also divorcees are not treated well by the society, so to avoid the mental torture from the society they prefer to take it from the guy they married.


  1. He’s just not that into you.

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